Tag Archives: work

More Physics of Love

Accept the physics of love.

Where there is laughter there will be tears. Where there is pleasure there will be pain. Where there is love there will be hate.

Take the bad and accept it for what it is – simply a moment in time and one from which to learn. For every moment of despair, for every feeling of inadequacy, for every unfortunate happenstance, there is an equal and opposite amount of positive experience.

For every trial that is overcome a stronger bond is formed. For every misunderstanding there is a greater understanding. Every hurt, every moment of anger, every tear is but a brick in the foundation of the strongest castle.

For every pleasure there is pain.

Recognize this and understand that the gift of love should be enough to see you through those times of gloom. Realize that the joys are worth every second of heartache experienced together.

Do not stay convinced that a life without negativity or pain could be yours. Learn to fight fairly. Fight each day for the wonderment of love instead of only when it is falling apart.

physics of loveYou worked to keep me only when I was ready to leave. I stayed each time because my heart chose to believe that perhaps this would be the time you would decide that love would be worth the effort. We could have been Antony and Cleopatra, Hepburn and Tracey, Bonnie and Clyde.

I will mourn for you. I hope that one day you may learn the truth that love is worth any effort. And if it is true that I have ruined you, I am selfishly glad because then I have managed to touch a part of you that will be forever mine – as there will always be a part of you within me.

You will be replaced and I will love again. This is perhaps the greatest gift you have given me, the knowledge that I can love. But … I will not settle, not ever again.

I am me and I am not broken. I can love … and I will. I want love and I will have it and my choices are practically limitless. I will be safe and I will be particular and I will be true to myself to an extent that I never before have been. And I will gladly give my heart and my soul to one who understands that love is worth the effort and that the physics of love requires one to accept the lows alongside the highs. sp

 

The_Ruling_Ring

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Quaaludes and Time Management

And she’s off …

Breaking out of the gate like a turtle on ‘ludes, she is unfocused this month and it’s provable.

How is it provable?  Read on …

Consider this, the word ‘ludes’ is a word heard from a quasi-misspent childhood but (brace yourself, I’m going to change POV just to make the writing easier) as a writer, I wanted to make sure that I was using a sedative for my drug reference.  So I looked up ludes.  The search for ludes brought me the information that it is the short form of Quaaludes, which I knew but had no clue how to spell.

The history is fairly fascinating.

Quaaludes are the street name for Methaqualone, a sedative-hypnotic drug and the date-rape drug of the ‘70s and ‘80s.  The drug would reduce inhibitions for five to eight hours and when taken with alcohol, the results become unpredictable but usually producing sedation and memory blackouts.  Not only was it eventually banned in the United States, in 1984 it was classified as what the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency considers a ‘Schedule I’ drug.  *sigh* A Schedule I drug, of course.

“What the hell is a ‘Schedule I’ drug!??”  And more research takes place.

The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency classifies drugs into five schedules.  The determination of where a drug lies is based upon the drug’s acceptable medical use and the drug’s abuse or dependency potential.  A Schedule I drug is at the top of the list and considered the most dangerous.  It has a high potential for abuse and potentially severe psychological and/or physical dependence.

And because none of this is the point of this writing, I’m going to skip telling you what else in on the list of Schedule I drugs.  However, I believe I am going to write an article about all this (considering I’ve already done the research) and if you want to be shocked at what is on the list, I will be linking the article to here.

But I digress.  The word I was looking for was, and is, ludes – which is short for Quaaludes which is short for Methaqualone. 

Where was I?

Oh, yes, coming out of the gate, unfocused, not getting a lot of work done.  What have I done?  I plowed through the first 3000 words of my 50,000 word novel that I’m writing for NaNoWriMo this month.  Although that sounds awesome, today is the 7th, so I’m about five days behind.  I set up a new foodie blog, posted recipes for bubble tea and pumpkin soufflé, created more recipes, took photos and have yet to post the new ones online.  I managed to write an article for another site I’ll be posting on, you can view it here.  I’m very excited about this one and will probably be dropping my account with Examiner.  I can’t stand Examiner, anyway, because it is all sensationalism, quickie articles, and soft porn.  I can’t believe the advertisements that end up associated with my articles.  Good riddance.

What else have I done?  I went to Rochester for a couple of days to ostensibly get some work done while he was in a Science convention.  It was a bit of a rocky start as I was unable to focus on anything before leaving.  I’m not good at being able to work knowing I’ll have to pack up at a moment’s notice.  I like to know that I’m going to have X amount of time so I can immerse myself in a project.  So I did a lot of puttering without being really productive.  We got there in time to sleep.  This began a number of days where I was out of my element and unschooled in the fine art of multi-day conferences.  I think I understand the nature of the beast now and have a basis for future reference.  Additionally, I believe I now know how he handles conference time management and will be better prepared to manage my own time.  It was a learning curve and I pretty much failed.  The positive thought is that I will never make the same mistakes again.

Other than that, I did get to do a bunch of research, scheduled some upcoming events, reinjured my knee, and sprained my index finger somehow.  I saw the High Falls of Rochester which took an amazing amount of figuring out how to get from here to there but on the way back, got to watch a falcon having lunch in the park.  This explained the preponderance of pigeon feathers in the area.  If I can get him to upload some of the pictures or video, I’ll come back and post them here.

I’m off, I have to edit and refine my Goldilocks article and now I am itching to post those recipes and write a Hub about Quaaludes.  After that, I need to go over to Vermont to complain about how the internet guy, who should have been here “anytime between 8-12” yesterday, never showed.  Because he didn’t show yesterday, I’m still using the ‘new’ world which has always been sucky and has now decided to arbitrarily shut itself off every one to two hours.

Typing this seems to have helped me refocus.  Therefore, my dear, I guess I have you to thank.  Without you, and this blog, I would still be flailing wildly and being unproductive as hell.  So, again, I thank you.

As soon as I’m done staring at the incredibly interesting clouds, my newly organized thoughts and I are going to get something done.  I hope your day is productive and peaceful.

unfocused in the past


Oxymoronic


Basking in  the sun
and gentle lapping of waves
while I work online

deeworkcanada

 

**a small ‘blip’ in vacation … back to fun/sun/sea/& ‘see’ 😉


Messing up my fur

It’s not quite 7:30 am and it’s been a long day already.  I have a million things to do today and I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to do them all and here I sit, penning (ok, typing) this rant because … well, because I need this small bit of time for me and my mental health.

I am in consideration for a very interesting writing position but I have to pass their writing test.  Although I feel as if this is something I can do, I’m a bit nervous about it because I really and truly want this job.  The test has a deadline and I have to get it done asap so that is the entirety of what I will be spending my time on today.  I will immerse myself in this test and make certain it gets done correctly, even if it gets done slowly, because I want it done amazingly.

Oops, no, that isn’t quite correct.

I have bills to pay and I have chores around the house that simply did not get done this weekend.  I have trouble living with a messy or unclean house, it seems to roll over into my mental faculties and affect my writing and my production.  I can leave the house so I can’t see it, but eventually I have to come back.

I have an afternoon appointment that will take me three hours in the car and I’m not sure I have gas.  I agonize about keeping this appointment because it is going to cost me money.  Not a great deal of money, but money, nonetheless.  I also purchased an article of clothing recently which I bought for multiple purposes that I am thinking of returning because, although I got it for half-price, it still wasn’t free.  This upsets me because I really and truly want this small bit of something that I don’t need, but in the end, I believe it might just make me more unhappy than happy.  It’s funny how a mere $10 can change your outlook on things, sometimes.

I continually say that I’m not about money, that money doesn’t concern me, that I don’t really care about it.  I don’t think I’m being untruthful or trying to fool anyone because I really don’t care about an overabundance of money.  But it is funny how the game tends to change when you really don’t have any.

I spent another bit of my dwindling funds on a restaurant last night.  Because we were rushed to leave at closing time, and because it occurred to me that the waitress was waiting for us so she could leave, and because she was working on Mother’s Day, and because I was all ready to go, I took care of it.  I am used to a sharing of money and funds and responsibilities.  I’m incredibly awful at this whole separation of everything and don’t know how to handle it at all.  I paid the bill because it was expedient.  Regardless of who or what I am now, I was raised with a healthy dose of Catholic guilt and the knowledge that people are more important than money or things.  I won’t ask for the return of the money because I was there, too.  I can’t accept the offer of ‘do you want me to pay you back?’ because the attitude seems ludicrous to me.  A partnership encompasses all, mental support, physical care, a sharing of responsibilities and monetary issues – both loss and gain.  I don’t understand the mine-yours separation but yet it seems as if I must abide by it.

I’m not sure why but it seems like the ability to offer a small and simple bit of sunshine is categorized as ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ and falls under the separation umbrella.  Ultimately I know that I am responsible for my balance, attitude, and beliefs but I guess my Cancerian nature leads me to want external confirmation – early, often, and repetitively.  This doesn’t seem overkill to me, or redundant, but a continuing confirmation of support and care and interest and desire.

I think someone doesn’t get me and the fact that I just want to hear some small term of encouragement or endearment or an ‘I love you’ in the morning when the day is going to be crazy or I seem like I’m brooding about something.

I tend to brood about things and then, instead of speaking what is on my mind, I redirect my thoughts to something that is more about me.  I will lie awake in bed late on a Sunday night, wishing that the housework was done and knowing that I will do it because it bothers me and I cannot wait until the following weekend to have it set right.  I cannot wait because it both bothers me now and because there is no guarantee that it will be done the next weekend, either.  But, instead of complaining about the state of the house or the fact that I don’t have time, I will just do on Monday and feel like that is unfair and I will beat up on myself, instead.

I will look at the dishes in the sink and the bathroom that needs to be cleaned and the laundry that didn’t get put away and the yard work that is half done and the old door that I cannot replace and I will care enough about my partner that I won’t want to complain that I am overworked and underpaid.  I will remember how much he has on his plate and all his deadlines and what he has to accomplish.  So, I won’t want to mention that things didn’t get done, that I am not being supported as a ‘housewife’ and need to take care of other things, work, bring in money, take this test, figure out finances, family, life, the universe, and everything, all before 8am and so …

…and so I will take out one of my many flaws, something that won’t be changed and I will mentally pick at that scab.  I will beat up on myself instead of beating up on others.  I will make myself focus on myself so I will not take out my frustrations on someone else.  I will mention my flaw and hope for a word of encouragement, or a voice that tells me I am being silly, someone to say that I have no flaw or that things are ok and then I will not care that I am faced with the aftermath of domestic neglect.

I am an expert as assuming responsibility, even when that responsibility is not mine to assume.  I am the queen of being able to turn gold into straw, thoughts into reality, reality into anything.  I am the tiara-less princesses in a boat with no paddle.

I am doing nothing other than trying to make others happy as I redirect things to make myself unhappy.  Having my unhappiness counteracted with endearments or love confirms my choice in attempting to create happiness or avoid unhappiness.  If I can fill in a gap in one way, then it is fair for another to fill in a gap in a different way.  I guess I feel as if balance needs to happen in one manner or the other.  This has not been a conscious thought process … until this writing.  The thought process feels correct and follows the normal convoluted thinking I have come to recognize in myself.  One more thing to work on, I suppose.  Looking for ‘fair’ is an act of diminishing returns.  The more I learn, the more I learn that there is more that I need to learn.

I am confused that the more I attempt to back away, the more I am asked to stay when the more I was here, the more I was wanted elsewhere.  Does it follow then, that if I want to be all-in, I have to be all-out?

My life is an abundance of strange situations, oxymorons and coincidences.  And believe it or not, I revel in the fact that my life is not static, that I have ups and downs and feelings and issues and joys and heartaches and things to celebrate and problems to solve.

I would not give it up for anything and I do not wish to be pure vanilla with emotions that echo the landscape of the North American plains.

I love me, regardless of the fact that I have flaws and issues and strange beliefs and wants and needs.  I believe in making people feel special and doing what I can to brighten someone else’s day.  I feel more complete when I can do something small and happy for someone, when I can make someone smile, when I can provide food, or support, or relief to make someone have a better day.  And yes, I selfishly want that for me, too.

I love the fact that my life has crazy busy times that stress me out so I can appreciate the quiet in-between times.

But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be sad that my temp job called on the morning that I cannot work because I am testing for another job.  The two jobs will fit together well but it seems like Murphy’s Law that I haven’t had a call until today … until the one day I can’t work.

And I know that if I post this rant I will feel guilt because it isn’t all sunshine and roses.  And if I post this rant I will be exposing myself and explaining myself to those who know me and those who don’t.  These both are scary prospects.  But I know that if I don’t post this, I will feel locked up again inside and wonder what might have happened, what could have come of it, what outcome or knowledge or attitudes might have been different.     BugsBunny-Bull

I want to live in the sun and revel in the warmth of the rays and not be locked away in a dark, dank dungeon.  I want to grasp the bull by the horns and look him in the eye and say to him …

 

“Hey, quit messing up my fur”

Peace


Spring algebra

photo by Dee MuellerIt is Spring, the time of year when life begins to renew, when the warmth of the sun begins to thaw the ground.  It is a time of loving, a time of rejoicing.  It is a time to revel in the beginnings of life and all the myriad joys it may contain.

It is the best of times.  But as clichéd as it may be, it is the worst of times.

It is a time not only of renewal but of reevaluation.  It is a time of taking stock in oneself and one’s surroundings.  The time is at hand to lower the blinders from the eyes and see with a fresh perspective.

We cannot expect different results from utilizing the same methods.  Generally speaking, if a + b = c, then a + b = c.  We cannot expect that suddenly, a + b will result in a sum of d, merely because we wish it to be so.

All the wishing in the world will not result in a different meaning or dissimilar outcome.  If we want change, we have to work for change.  If we are unhappy, we have to work to be happy.  If we are lost and sad and alone, we have to strive to find ourselves, to make ourselves happier, to reach out to others so we are no longer alone.

We should not expect to maintain the status quo, merely because it is simpler, easier, less work, and less time consuming, and then complain that things are not optimal.  We should find out what we believe in and learn to fight for those beliefs.  We should learn what we want and who we want to be and fight for those things with every breath in our bodies.

We should take the cue from the earth and begin to renew and refresh.  The shutters can be opened so the sun can once again shine in and warm our hearths, homes, and souls.  The dirt of the winter past can be eradicated, the cobwebs removed from the corners, the dust bunnies chased from under the beds.

We can rebuild and renew and refresh as readily as our Mother Earth but it is not free, or easy, or instantaneous.

The flowers are stretching towards the sky, looking for the rays of the sun, the drops of rain from the clouds, the pollination from the bees.  The birds are beginning to nest and their mates are incessantly banging their heads against the basement window.  They are fighting for life, for love, for the future.

They are fighting and so should we.  We should not accept the fact that what is and what was should continue to be what should be.  We should decide to live life not only for today, but for tomorrow as well.  We should take our cues from the earth and being to renew and refresh ourselves as we revel in the beauty and newness of this Spring.

We should throw open the windows and invite the sunshine into our lives.  And if, on a day like today, throwing open the sash brings not only sunshine but the bitter cold of the frigid north winds, we should rejoice that we can recognize the one while enduring the other.  We shall renew and we shall persevere, but we shall not be redundantly hard-headed.    Work to refresh, with eyes open to that new perspective needed in order to move forward and be more than we are now.

We should be more than what we are now.  We should embrace our own personal Springs and strive for life and love and sunshine and fight for it all – with tooth and nail; mind, body and soul; and every fiber of our beings.

We shall begin again, with a new dawn, a new day, a new life.

Peace.


Kindling Love

I was a child beneath her touch, – a man
When breast to breast we clung, even I and she,
A spirit when her spirit looked through me, 
A god when all our life-breath met to fan
Our life-blood, till love’s emulous ardours ran,
Fire within fire, desire in deity
~The Kiss, DG Rossetti

Love is not a solid thing, a thing you find or receive and can tuck away until you wish to play with it.  It is not a teddy bear that sits on your bed, patiently awaiting your arms and your cuddles.  It is not a diamond ring sitting on your finger in flashy splendor, there but forgotten until someone wants to admire it.

Love is a small child, full of life but needing care, feeding, cuddling, guidance.  It wants to roam hither and yon, exploring, touching, feeling, living, all without regard to boundaries or necessities.  Like the child, love must be guided – steered away from those things that will hurt, pointed towards all that is good and sweet and wonderful.  It must be taught that patience is a virtue, that sometimes work, or chores, or life, need come first.  It must be reassured that things will not replace it, that there is no replacement available.   It will meander around, testing boundaries, learning rules.  It will encounter bumps and bruises, pain and heartache.  It should be taught that lessons like these should be heeded.  A child would be scolded for not learning the lesson of the hot stove, should love be less mature?

There is a learning curve in love.  It is silly to believe that love can survive without nourishment and care.  You must take action to keep love alive, keep love in the forefront of your mind and your life and your soul.  Would you let your child roam near the road, or eat berries, or go for a swim without supervision?  Would you think ‘I have nurtured this child for a week, for a month, for a year … she should be able to care for herself now’ and turn back to your chores, your games, yourself?  Do you stop gazing fondly down at your child, peaceful and angelic in slumber – or does your heart stop at the beauty of that face, that peace, that life that you have created?

You cannot shelve love.  It does not exist on its own.  Love will starve without care, without support, without feeding.  Love must be created and recreated to be sustained and to grow.  You can be the leader, nudging it to where you want it to go, guiding it in the direction you wish, but you must have a hand in the being.  It does not exist without you and your efforts.

Love is a fire.  A flashburn of light, a grand beginning of flame.  The flash ignites the kindling but slowly … So slowly and carefully you must begin.  You add a small amount of fuel, tiny sticks from this pile or from that, a melding of air and fuel and fire.  You must carefully set your kindling, feeding the flames of light and desire and love and strength and create an indomitable love, a fire of forever.  You must tend and care and change and create until the fire itself is burning brightly, a testament of your patience and belief and guidance.  You cannot stop even now though, you must continue to fuel the flames, tend the fire, exalt in the beauty of that which you have created.

You must continue to make an effort; you must continue to provide sustenance to your child, your fire, your creation.

You must continue to love.

You must believe.