I deserve to be treated well. I should be cherished and loved, treated like a princess and given a tiara adorned with jewels, a measure of the esteem in which I am held.
What I have is a broken tiara, one made of paste; a cheap imitation of that which could be so precious. The jeweled tiara signifies the fantasy of the child within. A fantasy achingly wanted by the now-adult; tantalizingly possible yet always just out of reach. It is the amusement park ride for which there is no time, the cookie jar out of reach on the top of the fridge, the glimpse of the illusive pixie hiding in the woods.
It is the wish for the fairy tale life where the heroine gets to live happily ever after, yet it is not a wish for fantasy without reality. It is a dream that understands the insanity of wanting happiness always, the ability to recognize that without downs, there can be no ups. It is a dream that comprehends the physics of life, the physics of love.
I want to feel the ebb and flow of emotions, those both good and bad. Like the pull of the moon on the water, there is a certain amount of push and pull, up and down, give and take that is necessary, not only to ensure a balance of forces, but to provide that which is needed for life. The gravity of the moon creates the tides. The gravity of the earth causes water to run downhill.
Water meanders over the earth, in streams and creeks and rivers. It cascades down the hills, traipsing its way over rock and earth, forging pathways through the landscape. The forces of gravity require the water to travel ever downwards, seeking out the basins and valleys and dales, working toward the lowest common denominator. In its quest for geographic parity, the flow traverses obstacles, sometimes creating rapids, eddies, and holes. The flow continues, ever downwards, the water becoming aerated with its movements across the earth.
With crashing waves or tidal flow, the water – be it ocean, stream, river, or creek, is now aerated. It now contains the oxygen needed for life. The movement of water, the ups and downs, is the catalyst for life.
Calm water is dead water.
A calm life is a dead life. Without experiencing the ups and down of life, without encountering both positive and negative, a life is stagnant, stale, dead. It is an impossibility to maintain life in the face of unending calm. It is impossible to live a life of fantasy, where the only emotion, the only existence, is one of happiness. The physics refute this premise. I refute this.
Give me the fantasy to which I aspire, but give me the version in which I can believe. The happily ever after that I desire, with all the inherent ups and downs necessary in order to sustain life.