Tag Archives: change

Tempted


Ecstasy becomes agony

Gray mist swirls through my mind in a tantalizing vortex
Beckoning, enticing me with a blessed surcease of pain
I am tempted

Hold fast to consciousness, hold fast to you

Sallow skin, icy and trembling in the moonlight
Fighting, losing, the rules have suddenly changed
I am tempted

Break the rules, break the ties that bind

Amaranthine blossoms contrast with the pale canvas of my skin
Receding, fading slowly, only to effloresce again
I am tempted

Discard this reality, discard all sanity

Scarlet on white, my pulse throbs to the cadence of your heart
Enrapturing, torturing me into compliance
I am tempted

Become infinitely more, become infinitely less

Gray mist explodes with a lightning bolt of white
Creating death, creating life, a shift between here and now
Tempted… I am

Reborn

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Summer of Love

*author’s note* “I am choosing to post this piece I wrote two years ago.  I still believe in this summer of love past and I still believe in love.  I have found new things and new people to love, while not forgetting the old.  I still love you all and you will forever hold a special place in my heart.  I can hope the loves that I have found now remain as precious and as idyllic as I believe them to be.  I know the sentiment is mine alone and not shared but my love is not based on others’ perceptions.  I have found faith and love and hope and lost them.  It can be regained and it can bloom and flower and grow into a new beginning.  I am.  I am me.  I love.  I love you

I hope you enjoy reading (or rereading) this short.  I hope you find love and peace and happiness.  The tiara has to be mine, though  <muah>”

∞∞∞∞∞ ∞∞∞

For a short time I enjoyed the ultimate idyllic existence. I was loved and felt loved. I had the most incredible circle of compatriots to ever walk the earth. The sun was shining. Warmth pervaded my every day. Life was good.

Life STILL is good. But my heart will forever ache for what was. Friendships and love so pure, angels would weep in joy. Never again, I feel, will I experience such a heartrendingly beautiful time. I will forever miss what was but I will never regret.

I wish that everyone could somehow experience the feelings and emotions that I felt surrounded me. It felt pure. It felt sweet. I believe it was the most perfectly balanced feeling. It was more than merely friendship, more than merely love. It was everything.

It was the summer of love. It was the fall of love.

It was the fall.

The greatest empires fall. Nothing lasts forever. The most exacting walls crumble. Time stands still for no man and there is no constant but change.

But if I could capture anything, I would capture that time in my life, bottle that feeling and know that I was loved. I was part of something greater than myself. I was a small piece of a gathering of souls with no agendas, no jealousy, no bitterness. I was more than what I am now.

I will be forever grateful for each soul, each member of that time in my life. No matter the differences now, there was then. Time can take away so much, but no one will destroy the wonder of that time.

I choose to embark on a new summer of love. Right now, today, this instant. I will honor those feelings and I will strive to love. I will love without reservation, without harm, without pain. I will begin again.

And yes, I invite you. And you and you and you … and yes, even YOU.

heartshoes


Breathe

I can’t write.

I never can’t write.  I can always write.  I write when I’m sad.  I write when I’m miserable.  I even write when I’m happy.

Yeah, maybe that doesn’t make sense to you?  Seems backwards, doesn’t it?  I guess it is backwards in a way.  A lot of people can’t write when they are upset about something.  I’m generally the opposite.  I have more trouble finding the writing place when I’m happy and carefree and content.

Of course, perhaps that puts me in good company.  I understand that the best artists compose, write, sculpt, or work however better when they have some kind of emotional turmoil.

Here’s the thing, though.  If I can always write and in fact usually write better when I’m emotional, why can I not, now, write?  I’m torn up, beaten down, shocked and just generally thrown for a loop.

The only explanation is that I am numb.  I am having trouble feeling anything right now.  I feel unsettled and unsure but I think the shock just hasn’t really set in yet.  You cannot be an artist and be numb.  You can write or compose or paint by the numbers, follow the rules, adhere to the plan but there isn’t a lot of room for artistic expression when you cannot conjure up any expressions at all.

I feel empty.  Not quite broken, not entirely uncaring but … close.

I feel dangerously on the edge.  “Throw it at me”, my mind is screaming.  “Go on, do your worst, let me see what you have.  I’ve made it this far, you bastard, if you think you can take me down now, go on and give it your best shot.”

I’m in the kind of mood it takes to be dangerous.  I know things can be worse but from where I’m sitting it seems kinda bad already.

“Whatever”, my mind is saying.  “Just … whatever.”  I’ll deal with it, make it through, get to the other side, the light side of the tunnel, break the surface, get my head above water and … breathe.

Yeah, I’m a huge proponent of saying things like “breathing is overrated” but in reality, both you and I know that sometimes you really just need to step back and do nothing but breathe.  Breathe in, breathe out.  A couple of seconds go by, you breathe again, in, out, in, out, and before you know it, a minute has passed.  Keep on breathing and a minute turns into two, turns into three, turns into ten and the breathing becomes more routine, easier, less to think about and suddenly an hour has passed.  Concentrate on the moment to moment.  Think about now, not about yesterday, not about tomorrow, not about what to do five minutes from now.  Simply be, for this moment, simply be.

You can do it.  I can do it.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  The only constant in life is change.  Sometimes the change is good, sometimes the change is bad but there is always, always change.  You can do it, you can hang on, do what must be done, take it moment by moment and just breathe.

I’ll meet you on the other side of the tunnel, darling.  In the meantime, just farkin’ breathe.