Monthly Archives: April 2014

Through the Glass


I look in the mirror only to encounter a pair of haunted blue eyes. I would give anything to remove the pain and sadness and the tiny spark of anger which lurks thief-like in the corner.

My empathy moves me to help people in need. I wish often to make people’s lives easier, happier, or less burdensome. I am willing to go to the ends of the earth for those I hold dear and oft-times even for those I do not know.

Physician, heal thyself.

How? I look in the mirror and instead of being happy that my face is intact, that my body is functional, that my clothes are both useful and nice, I see the hurt that turns my blue eyes to liquid pain. I feel empathy for the woman who stares back at me and it turns cyclical, my being empathetic and sympathetic and upset for the woman in the mirror who is hurting, who hurts more knowing there is no healing. It is a never ending cycle; a circle of pain. In the end, it is reminiscent of a Möbius strip or more likely, an Ouroboros.

Ouroboros: a dragon eating its own tail, a symbol for infinity. Infinity: a term which meant so much more to me two years ago.

I found in my heart love and all that I never thought I could have. That of which I thought I was incapable but was highly, incredibly, and awesomely exultant to discover inside of myself, buried in the depths of my mind and in the darkest recesses of my soul. I found a treasure trove within myself, hit the jackpot in a game I wasn’t even sure I was playing, won the monster prize at the fair which no one ever seems to win.

And now the Ouroboros is simply a symbol of something else. It is akin to the Phoenix, the mythical bird which perishes in fire and rises again from the ashes. But Ouroboros is so much more. Like the Phoenix, the Ouroboros symbolizes the cyclical nature of the Universe, the birth of life from the ashes of death, creation stemming from destruction. But the Ouroboros sustains its life by consuming itself, creating an eternal cycle of renewal. It is the eternal return, cycles that begin anew, self-reflexivity that recreates the being.

I am me but perhaps the current me-which-is-not-me. I am the beginning of the recreation of myself, the Phoenix rising again from the ashes of the fire, the Ouroboros, reflecting and renewing and creating again the me-who-will-become.

I am ready to realign with the multiverse, a universe in which infinite possibilities exist. I want to rise from the ashes and create something spectacular. The Ouroboros and the Phoenix merged together to become one in me. I believe that I can soar above the flames that currently encompass my heart and my mind and my soul. I will believe, with every possible iota of my existence that the reason for this passage is to clarify that I can become something greater than that which I had always believed.

And someday, someday soon, I will no longer see the haunted eyes that keep me from my reflection.

I will take the liquid from my eyes, the dirt from my soul, and the clouds from my heart and create the perfect environment to grow something more, something better, something that will make this trial seem like naught but a grain of sand on the beach of my existence.

I will live and I will love because I have learned. I now know that I can love and I will surely love again.