You are never afraid.
I’ve spent my life being afraid.
I’ve been afraid of the dark, afraid of violence, afraid of being hurt. I’ve suffered the indignities of irrational fears and I’ve suffered with the knowledge and pain of rational ones. I’ve been afraid of abandonment, afraid of not being loved, afraid of not having the capacity to love.
I’ve stumbled through the oppressive, inky darkness of fear to reach with trembling hands the light of salvation. I’ve struggled to shine the light of rationality on some fears I have held and have managed to banish some of them to oblivion. I have even come to embrace the beauty of some of those things I once thought frightening.
I have worked and tried and agonized. I have challenged myself to challenge myself. I have attempted to recognize those boundaries that are real and separate them from those boundaries that are not. I have pushed and I have been pushed back. I have won and I have lost.
But most of all, I try to try.
I attempt to see the light shining through the darkness of my fears and I am afraid that I am not always successful. Sometimes, the darkness wins. Sometimes, the light cannot reach through the murky gutter that is my soul in order to illuminate my life. Sometimes, I wallow in fear and despair.
I am often afraid.
You, however, are not.
You do not fear the unknown or the demons of your past or the things that go ‘BUMP’ in the night. You do not worry about the extent of your abilities or if tomorrow will come. You are not afraid each time your lover steps through the door and how it may be the last. You have no apprehension about whether you are good enough, strong enough, or smart enough. You coast through life believing in no evil, no ill, no moments of uncontrolled catastrophe. You have no dread about the bend in the river, the fork in the road, the path left unchosen. You do not worry, or agonize, or fear.
I am oxymoronic enough to say that I fear for you and your lack of fear. It is both a blessing and a curse. You are eminently assured, emotionally unbound, fearlessly unfettered. You have no fear, you have no worries, you have, perhaps, nothing to overcome.
I fight to maintain calm, I overcome obstacles at every turn, and I believe that my ability to conquer fear makes me stronger and more able. In the moments of my fear, I am envious of your lack; but in the calm moments of reflection, I believe that perhaps my fears grant me the ability to see and do and be and feel things that you will never understand.
While I fight the darkness and look for the light, I will attempt to not be envious of your lack of fear. I will attempt to remember that not everything that glitters is gold.