Monthly Archives: February 2014

Here Be Dragons

You are never afraid.fear

I’ve spent my life being afraid.

I’ve been afraid of the dark, afraid of violence, afraid of being hurt.  I’ve suffered the indignities of irrational fears and I’ve suffered with the knowledge and pain of rational ones.  I’ve been afraid of abandonment, afraid of not being loved, afraid of not having the capacity to love.

I’ve stumbled through the oppressive, inky darkness of fear to reach with trembling hands the light of salvation.  I’ve struggled to shine the light of rationality on some fears I have held and have managed to banish some of them to oblivion.  I have even come to embrace the beauty of some of those things I once thought frightening.

I have worked and tried and agonized.  I have challenged myself to challenge myself.  I have attempted to recognize those boundaries that are real and separate them from those boundaries that are not.  I have pushed and I have been pushed back.  I have won and I have lost.

But most of all, I try to try.

I attempt to see the light shining through the darkness of my fears and I am afraid that I am not always successful.  Sometimes, the darkness wins.  Sometimes, the light cannot reach through the murky gutter that is my soul in order to illuminate my life.  Sometimes, I wallow in fear and despair.

I am often afraid.

You, however, are not.

You do not fear the unknown or the demons of your past or the things that go ‘BUMP’ in the night.  You do not worry about the extent of your abilities or if tomorrow will come.  You are not afraid each time your lover steps through the door and how it may be the last.  You have no apprehension about whether you are good enough, strong enough, or smart enough.  You coast through life believing in no evil, no ill, no moments of uncontrolled catastrophe.  You have no dread about the bend in the river, the fork in the road, the path left unchosen.  You do not worry, or agonize, or fear.

I am oxymoronic enough to say that I fear for you and your lack of fear.  It is both a blessing and a curse.  You are eminently assured, emotionally unbound, fearlessly unfettered.  You have no fear, you have no worries, you have, perhaps, nothing to overcome.

I fight to maintain calm, I overcome obstacles at every turn, and I believe that my ability to conquer fear makes me stronger and more able.  In the moments of my fear, I am envious of your lack; but in the calm moments of reflection, I believe that perhaps my fears grant me the ability to see and do and be and feel things that you will never understand.

While I fight the darkness and look for the light, I will attempt to not be envious of your lack of fear.  I will attempt to remember that not everything that glitters is gold.



A Pacifist in Battle

It has become a battle of wills and money and attitudes and winning.  As with any battle, in the end there will be no winners, only varying degrees of hurt.  There is no conceivable reason behind the change in status quo, there is only conjecture.  It is conjecture to which I do not wish to give credence, ideas with seeming validity, thoughts about the current whys and wherefores of this mess.  I attempt to merely deal with the concrete facts, the steps which need to be taken, the future outcome of any and all decisions which may be made at this juncture.  I examine and reexamine and then examine again my motives and endlessly search for resolutions which serve the greatest good.  I search for the best possibilities for the most important elements, those who happen to also be least able to affect their own outcomes.

I fight not for myself, but for those extraordinary beings which I have brought into this world.  I fight for their now, I fight for their tomorrows, I fight for their future knowledge of what is, what was, what may be and what could have been.ruinscape  I fight until my nails are torn, my fists are bloody and my soul is bruised and battered.  I fight with all the strength I can muster; mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially.  I fight with every resource I have in order to do what is right and good and worthy.  I believe in this quest, I believe in the veracity of my beliefs, I believe that I have a responsibility to do what is right regardless of the personal toll.

Generally speaking, I am simply a pacifist.  I would adore world peace, a green environment, and unlimited shared resources.  I would love for love to rule and for rainbows and sunshine and pixie dust to brighten all days.  I wish for the ability to always see the sparks glinting off the snow, hear the sounds of nature at peace, smell the dewy freshness of a mountain morning.

This is, of course, naught but a pipe dream.

I may wish to be a pacifist, but I am also a realist.  I see and acknowledge issues and problems.  I can accurately extrapolate trending attitudes and performances.  I concede that there is bad and wrong and evil in the world.  I may not like what I see, I may rail against happenings, but I refuse to deny reality for the benefit of my mental happiness.

I shudder at the necessity of having to take negative or punitive actions.  I abhor the feeling that I am causing ill to another.  But I vow to not let my distaste for these actions keep me from doing that which may bring about the security and well-being of others.  And if harmony is unattainable, perhaps someday those with no say, those with the least resources, those whom these actions will affect the most, may someday recognize the effort if not the outcome.  In this match where outcome most likely means more than intent, knowledge may be nothing but a hollow consolation prize.  Regardless, I will continue to do what should be done in order to achieve the best possible outcome for those who cannot fight for themselves.

I believe.  I give.  I cry.  I love.

What more can I do?