And then there was … not me.
A huge portion of my today was spent in thought and reflection. My life has been off-kilter lately and because of that I have been emotionally off balance. So many things that I cannot fix, so many things that just are, so many things I feel I have lost and I have been running on auto-pilot.
Or maybe I have simply been running.
I don’t know what I can do to make life return to normal. I don’t know how to break through my fog in a rational manner. It’s feast or famine, a seesaw swing between an emotional void and sharp, raw, cutting emotions.
I think I’m managing well, letting what I believe to be positive emotions creep back into my world. Then I wake up and realize I’m simply jumping off the high dive without even knowing if there is water in the pool.
I feel the neglect of not dancing and from not being able to touch base with those friends so far away. I long to get into our particular brand of trouble. I miss silly things like talking to people, having a steady paycheck, turning clouds into rainbows, and making jokes about Tennessee, sox, and tiaras.
Perhaps I am a pod person, looking the same but acting irrationally. Perhaps I should remain quiet; eyes open, mouth shut, and coast for a bit. I should not do, or feel, or act now. I should stop being fatalistic and I should keep my hands off my wallet. I should decline alcohol, stay away from sugar, sleep from being tired and not from a script.
I will remake myself into a butterfly. I will surround myself with my chrysalis until I can emerge as that which I want to be. I wish to stop hurting, I want the confusion and pain and sorrow to end. My new form will be functional, hopefully beautiful, yet will reject those things which serve only to cause pain. I will be a robot. I will become a robot butterfly and learn to soar with iron wings under the blue skies of life.