Monthly Archives: October 2013

Robot Butterfly

And then there was … not me.

A huge portion of my today was spent in thought and reflection.  My life has been off-kilter lately and because of that I have been emotionally off balance.  So many things that I cannot fix, so many things that just are, so many things I feel I have lost and I have been running on auto-pilot.

Or maybe I have simply been running.

I don’t know what I can do to make life return to normal.  I don’t know how to break through my fog in a rational manner.  It’s feast or famine, a seesaw swing between an emotional void and sharp, raw, cutting emotions.

I think I’m managing well, letting what I believe to be positive emotions creep back into my world.  Then I wake up and realize I’m simply jumping off the high dive without even knowing if there is water in the pool.

I feel the neglect of not dancing and from not being able to touch base with those friends so far away.  I long to get into our particular brand of trouble.  I miss silly things like talking to people, having a steady paycheck, turning clouds into rainbows, and making jokes about Tennessee, sox, and tiaras.

Perhaps I am a pod person, looking the same but acting irrationally. Perhaps I should remain quiet; eyes open, mouth shut, and coast for a bit.  I should not do, or feel, or act now.  I should stop being fatalistic and I should keep my hands off my wallet.   I should decline alcohol, stay away from sugar, sleep from being tired and not from a script.

I will remake myself into a butterfly.  I will surround myself with my chrysalis until I can emerge as that which I want to be.  I wish to stop hurting, I want the confusion and pain and sorrow to end.  My new form will be functional, hopefully beautiful, yet will reject those things which serve only to cause pain.  I will be a robot.  I will become a robot butterfly and learn to soar with iron wings under the blue skies of life.

metal butterfly


Sleepless Eyes, Waking Sky

The eastern sky is bright lemon, fading to citrine as illumination melds with blue sky.  Above me the sky remains cloud-free, the blue deepening ever so slightly as my eyes track to the west.  The blue never darkens to navy, night already having left this little corner of world, stars and moon and the deep jewels of evening gone, hopefully to carry sleep to someone who may be so blessed.  The clearness of the sky is humbling, the colors a testament to life, to beauty, and to the beginning of another day.

My tired eyes follow the graduations of dawning colors.  The sun, hidden yet by the mountain, casts the warm, comforting glow of an enormous incandescent lamp before it mellows out to a tropical lime.  The hue is an exact replica of a luscious key-lime pie, making my mouth water and my fingers itch for a fork.  The lime, a temporary product of yellow sun meeting blue sky, eventually fades revealing an expanse of blue so vast I drown in the sky.   It begins with the light shade of shallow water on a calm, sunny sea and gradually builds itself into a happy cornflower blue.  It continues west with the middling blue of a late-century Ford and deepens until it becomes the mysterious depths from a lover’s eyes.  I follow the sea of blue from east to west until my eyes encounter the fading aftermath of the perpetual war between night and day.

As I catch the last glimpse of salmon and pink and faded rose, my mind is filled with wonder.  I am amazed by the determination of the dark, the fight to keep a toehold on this space above me.  The fading colors tint the few clouds from behind, illuminating them with lilac, purple and smoke.

The air has warmed just enough to lift the fog but not burn it away.  The mist hovers above ground, filling in the depressions of the landscape, caught halfway between the grass and the treetops.  The sight is almost surreal as the pale, wispy tendrils highlight the fact that fall has just arrived.  The grass is still sparkling green, an emerald sea below the rolling waves of mist.  The smoky, shadowy white rides high on a lush field of life, settling into the nooks and crannies of the mountainous terrain.

Above the mist, peeking out like a mischievous child exploring from behind a ledge, a riot of color – fall foliage at its peak.  The countless reds and oranges and shades of browns are a cacophony of color, a laughing, beautiful, mocking reminder that life’s end is imminent.

I applaud the riot of color while I silently contemplate the impermanence of life.  I reflect on my fortunes and smile into the sun while I once again vow to cherish each moment until I have no more.

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