Monthly Archives: April 2013

Crossroad Endurance

I think perhaps I’ll be forever at some crossroad.  Have you ever noticed that just when you think that everything is just about as perfect as it can be, that the world is all sunshine and roses, unicorns and fairy dust, something comes along to set you on your ass?

Without getting into it too much, it seems I’ve again reached that point in my life.

For the last several months, I’ve been doing my damndest to take the advice of one of my best friends.  “Wait,” he says.  “Just wait and enjoy what you have.”

I’ve waited.  I’ve been patient.  I’ve taken each day that I can manage and accepted it for what it is and attempted to enjoy the hell out of it.  I’ve had my ups and I’ve had my downs.  I’ve done everything in my power to set aside the part of myself that wants, and aches, and needs, and simply cannot fathom waiting for something that seems so majorly important to me.

I’ve agonized, and analyzed and philosophized.  I’ve bent like a sapling in the wind and rejoiced when the sun warmed my soul.  I’ve learned where my boundaries lay and how much I am willing to let go of myself for the good of others.  I have found that my ability to care more about others is greater than I have ever realized.

I have learned so many things about myself.  I have uncovered secrets I have consciously and unconsciously buried for beyond time.  I have uncovered hurts and aches and cancers in my soul and have tried to eradicate them, cure them and cure myself.  I have fought with myself and I have fought with others.  I can acknowledge the fact that as all fights are generally wont to go, mostly there are no winners.

I’ve celebrated life and love; I’ve reveled in special moments and intense feelings of beauty and serenity and happiness.  I’ve told myself that I am capable of being the person I wish to be, the amazingly serene, happy, content femme that lives inside my mind.

Is there anything worse than lying to oneself?

Have I lied to myself or have I simply failed to take into account my inherent nature?  I am a powder keg in a world of smokers, a beltless rollercoaster on a broken track of feelings and scabs and loves and hurts.  I am one tough chick who can be hurt by a word, a look, a misunderstanding.

I am so much more than what everyone sees, I am so much less than what I wish to be.

There are so few things in this world that I actively want, that I ache for and crave.  There are fleeting wants and likes and wishes that would be so lovely to have but are merely just ‘things’ and are, in reality, rather unimportant.  So many things I can let go and do without … and yet … I have an ache, a need, a craving that I, myself, am incapable of satisfying.

The wanting and the craving and the knowledge that I am in no way in control is beyond frustrating.

The things I have no control over bother me greatly.  I have learnt that the times in my life over which I have no control are generally those times that propagate the sad, the awful, and yes, the evil.  I have endured things that were easier to bury inside the dark recesses of my mind than they were to deal with.

The circumstances of my life have waged war on my subconscious.  The foul, dank, dusty trunk in the corner has had the lid lifted and the penguins have escaped.  Once content to live together in their sheltered prison, the unruly penguins have been released from captivity and have gleefully wrecked havoc on my tidy mental faculties.

And yet I deal.  I raise my face to the sun and rejoice in the warmth shining on my upturned face.  I wake to the most spectacular sunrises and bless my life for the beauty and the love and the ability to appreciate them.

I have cried out as the bitter cold of reality has doused me with icy fingers snaking a path down my naked soul.  I have rebelled, and railed against the wind, and mentally capitulated and accepted.  I have endured and I will endure.

But I loathe the dealing with things better left buried, regardless of the freedom it now provides me.  I chafe at the knowledge that I am not able to be in control of the thing I want most in this world and I begin to doubt my ability to endure.

I am at a crossroads where I can chuck it all and begin again or I can try harder, try again, try, try, try.  I can attempt to search for that which I feel I need or I can learn to accept, to be, to enjoy and to let someone or something other than myself take control.

I can chase the penguins back to their box or I can revel at their freedom and rejoice in their unrestricted antics.

I can waffle and procrastinate and put off that which drives me to distraction, drives me to a decision – a decision possibly best left undecided.  I can mentally choose to not choose, or I can make what may be the worst mistake of my life.

I am not a waffler or a procrastinator.  I am a doer and a leaper and a scared little girl willing to take on the world and fight for it all.

I am the epitome of oxymoronic … leaning heavily on the ‘moronic’.

I am at a crossroads and I have no control.  The logging truck will be barreling down one of the roads, and I will have my face turned to the sun in abject delight as I crash.

I will not be unlived, or undecided, or unloved.  I may grieve or I may rejoice.

I am at a crossroads and I am terrified.  But in my terror, I will endure.



Spring algebra

photo by Dee MuellerIt is Spring, the time of year when life begins to renew, when the warmth of the sun begins to thaw the ground.  It is a time of loving, a time of rejoicing.  It is a time to revel in the beginnings of life and all the myriad joys it may contain.

It is the best of times.  But as clichéd as it may be, it is the worst of times.

It is a time not only of renewal but of reevaluation.  It is a time of taking stock in oneself and one’s surroundings.  The time is at hand to lower the blinders from the eyes and see with a fresh perspective.

We cannot expect different results from utilizing the same methods.  Generally speaking, if a + b = c, then a + b = c.  We cannot expect that suddenly, a + b will result in a sum of d, merely because we wish it to be so.

All the wishing in the world will not result in a different meaning or dissimilar outcome.  If we want change, we have to work for change.  If we are unhappy, we have to work to be happy.  If we are lost and sad and alone, we have to strive to find ourselves, to make ourselves happier, to reach out to others so we are no longer alone.

We should not expect to maintain the status quo, merely because it is simpler, easier, less work, and less time consuming, and then complain that things are not optimal.  We should find out what we believe in and learn to fight for those beliefs.  We should learn what we want and who we want to be and fight for those things with every breath in our bodies.

We should take the cue from the earth and begin to renew and refresh.  The shutters can be opened so the sun can once again shine in and warm our hearths, homes, and souls.  The dirt of the winter past can be eradicated, the cobwebs removed from the corners, the dust bunnies chased from under the beds.

We can rebuild and renew and refresh as readily as our Mother Earth but it is not free, or easy, or instantaneous.

The flowers are stretching towards the sky, looking for the rays of the sun, the drops of rain from the clouds, the pollination from the bees.  The birds are beginning to nest and their mates are incessantly banging their heads against the basement window.  They are fighting for life, for love, for the future.

They are fighting and so should we.  We should not accept the fact that what is and what was should continue to be what should be.  We should decide to live life not only for today, but for tomorrow as well.  We should take our cues from the earth and being to renew and refresh ourselves as we revel in the beauty and newness of this Spring.

We should throw open the windows and invite the sunshine into our lives.  And if, on a day like today, throwing open the sash brings not only sunshine but the bitter cold of the frigid north winds, we should rejoice that we can recognize the one while enduring the other.  We shall renew and we shall persevere, but we shall not be redundantly hard-headed.    Work to refresh, with eyes open to that new perspective needed in order to move forward and be more than we are now.

We should be more than what we are now.  We should embrace our own personal Springs and strive for life and love and sunshine and fight for it all – with tooth and nail; mind, body and soul; and every fiber of our beings.

We shall begin again, with a new dawn, a new day, a new life.


Summer of Love

*author’s note* “I am choosing to post this piece I wrote two years ago.  I still believe in this summer of love past and I still believe in love.  I have found new things and new people to love, while not forgetting the old.  I still love you all and you will forever hold a special place in my heart.  I can hope the loves that I have found now remain as precious and as idyllic as I believe them to be.  I know the sentiment is mine alone and not shared but my love is not based on others’ perceptions.  I have found faith and love and hope and lost them.  It can be regained and it can bloom and flower and grow into a new beginning.  I am.  I am me.  I love.  I love you

I hope you enjoy reading (or rereading) this short.  I hope you find love and peace and happiness.  The tiara has to be mine, though  <muah>”

∞∞∞∞∞ ∞∞∞

For a short time I enjoyed the ultimate idyllic existence. I was loved and felt loved. I had the most incredible circle of compatriots to ever walk the earth. The sun was shining. Warmth pervaded my every day. Life was good.

Life STILL is good. But my heart will forever ache for what was. Friendships and love so pure, angels would weep in joy. Never again, I feel, will I experience such a heartrendingly beautiful time. I will forever miss what was but I will never regret.

I wish that everyone could somehow experience the feelings and emotions that I felt surrounded me. It felt pure. It felt sweet. I believe it was the most perfectly balanced feeling. It was more than merely friendship, more than merely love. It was everything.

It was the summer of love. It was the fall of love.

It was the fall.

The greatest empires fall. Nothing lasts forever. The most exacting walls crumble. Time stands still for no man and there is no constant but change.

But if I could capture anything, I would capture that time in my life, bottle that feeling and know that I was loved. I was part of something greater than myself. I was a small piece of a gathering of souls with no agendas, no jealousy, no bitterness. I was more than what I am now.

I will be forever grateful for each soul, each member of that time in my life. No matter the differences now, there was then. Time can take away so much, but no one will destroy the wonder of that time.

I choose to embark on a new summer of love. Right now, today, this instant. I will honor those feelings and I will strive to love. I will love without reservation, without harm, without pain. I will begin again.

And yes, I invite you. And you and you and you … and yes, even YOU.


Lie Day

I recently had occasion to want to educate myself about some lesser known holidays.  When I asked my friend ‘Google’ about them I found that there are way more weird, unusual, odd, unique, and bizarre ‘holidays’ then there truly need to be.

For instance, tomorrow (April 4th), is ‘Tell a Lie Day’.  Now I don’t know about how you live, but I actually try to avoid telling lies.  I like truth and honesty and integrity.  I believe in keeping promises made come hell or high water.  And now, here it is, a day that seems to be mocking my belief system.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not preaching any holier-than-thou stuff at you. In fact, I don’t go around hurting people’s feelings just so I can say that I always tell the truth.  However, I do attempt to err on the side of polite and have learned to say such things as “It has a very unique flavor,” or “Do I like your new haircut?  Tell me, do you like it?”

I’ve also used completely ridiculous lies.  “What’s for dinner?”  “Tonight we are having a lovely selection of rocks and sticks.  If I have the time I’ll see if I can whip up a little mud pie for dessert.”

I don’t know about you, but I feel that if you cannot tell something this ridiculous is actually untrue, perhaps you deserve to be served yard waste for dinner *shrug*.

However, tomorrow is Tell a Lie Day.  Tell a lie day.  The day that you can go around feeling justified saying whatever erroneous thing you feel like saying.

“No, that dress isn’t too tight, I’m sure you haven’t gained any weight at all.”

“That paper was written beautifully.  I don’t know why you got an ‘F’.”

“I didn’t buy anything at the mall.  I was window shopping.”

“What happened to the last piece of cake?  I have no idea.”

“This is the best lima bean pudding I’ve ever had.”

Weeeeelllll, alright, you got me.  Technically that last one wouldn’t be a lie since I’ve never had lima bean pudding.  By default it would have to be the best lima bean pudding I’ve ever had.  Also the worst.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t believe we should have a ‘tell a lie day’.  But if you simply must participate, try to keep your lies creative, friendly, and relatively unhurtful.  Don’t go out and commit infidelities and then use the day as an excuse to cover it up.  Don’t lie about how the car got totaled.  Try to be a good (lover, daughter, bestie, son, cousin, or friend).  Don’t come up with a lie about why you missed something scheduled – a phone call, an appointment, a special day – whatever.  Unless the lie involves an elephant, three bowling balls and a package of Necco wafers.

You should definitely tell that one.  No lie.


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My typewriter