I know I’m breaking all the rules.
I don’t want to blindly follow the rules all the time. I don’t want to end up mute and alone because the rules brought me there, like a character in a book I was reading.
Perhaps you think I’ve spent my life disbelieving in people and that I have an unhealthy mistrust of motivations and too much cynicism and too much disbelief in all people.
I refute that. I believe I am realistic and prefer to see truisms rather than live in a fantasy world. I believe that I am not someone who sees nothing but the bad in people and that other people are quicker to anger than I. I see people anger over excusable things, if they would just step back, breathe for a moment, and think.
I believe that I have the ability to reason that person X is doing Y because Z and give them the benefit of the doubt. Even while I may be momentarily irritated, my irritation passes quicker than others’ and I move on, happy with the reasonings or excuses I make up for them, the veracity of which will be forever unknown.
I also believe that, although no one is perfect, there are levels of imperfection, beliefs that are core and trusts that can be permanently broken.
I believe in being a pessimist because the rewards are better and the hurts fewer. I believe in having a healthy cynicism as you tend to get blindsided by people’s selfishness … hedonism … wants … less than if you had none.
I believe in what I feel. I believe in WHO I am. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt so much more than I’m given credit for or that is seen in me. I believe in people, I just refuse to wear rose colored glasses when dealing with them.
I still believe in being realistic, perhaps you say ‘pessimistic’, but I continue to hope for the best in my life. I believe in the adage ‘first, do no harm’ and wonder why so many times I seem to be the only one who seems to believe in this.
I believe my renter will screw me over again and that I will have to deal with it in a much harsher manner than I desire. I believe I will have to damage someone else here, in order to protect myself from further harm. I believe this, but there is enough hope left in me that he will follow through and provide some relief for my rapidly dwindling coffers and restore my faith.
But here I also understand that I am being (AGAIN) a sucker for a man who can look me in the eye and say “I made a mistake and I’m sorry. I should have done xxx”.
It’s a sucker’s bet and I’m not stupid, I know it. It is a classic line of a con artist, a bait and switch, keep them on the line, make them pot committed so they won’t easily let go, regardless of the knowledge that it is all a losing prospect.
It is also, possibly, hopefully, sincere.
That small possibility, that wanting to believe in people, and their motivations, and the wishing that things will turn out well, that is what keeps me hanging on and reinvesting time and effort and belief.
I’ve been burnt before and I’ve survived. I have to wake up with myself and be happy with who *I* am and with the choices that I have made. I have to know that I have exhausted all possibilities, that I have given what I can give, until I cannot give anymore. Even when this ends up hurting me more in the end, and when it gets to that point, it ALWAYS hurts more when you have truly given your all. Even knowing it will hurt more, I try and I struggle with myself in the trying because I know it is like reaching a hand out to the glowing embers … all the wishing in the world won’t stop you from getting burnt if the flames reignite and soar because you have provided them with more fuel to burn.
You think I am cynical. I think I have to fight against my nature to blindly trust and believe whatever verbal bunk comes forth from others.
I believe in people. But that doesn’t mean I am willing to burn to char for them all, indefinitely. Burning hurts … and I am not suicidal enough to let their actions, words, and deeds kill me dead, even while I am apparently willing to char a bit for each of them … even though I don’t want to burn at all.
I must burn often, though. Someone I know used to call me ‘Firewoman’. I’m not sure how I should feel about that.
Maybe I just enjoy the heat. You know me, I’m always cold. Besides, you can’t make toast without fire. And it really is all about the toast.
Catch y’all next time. Until then, maybe I’ll check out stock in marshmallows *wink*