“There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world, there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live. The sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words … Wait and Hope.”
Sometimes I am quick to anger and you may wish I were more stable. I am emotional because I was asked for this type of honesty. No elephants. I know that my sensitive nature is irksome and difficult and I know that the whole emotional aspect of things is something alien much of the time but these emotional outbursts are … a gift. Or a curse. Usually both, if you want the honest truth.
Be careful what you ask/wish for, huh?
Yes, you can keep a lid on your emotions. It is a public life skill and has its time and place. Being analytical and unemotional isn’t awful … but. You can’t keep that up everywhere, with everyone. You need an outlet, an intimate, a person with whom you can let your hair down and just FEEL and BE and REACT.
Mostly, emotions don’t scare me. So saying that, I do not wish to make you angry so I can see you be angry. I have no desire to set you off out of some misplaced feeling of needing you angry or overly emotional for any reason. But I am not afraid of your anger. I am not afraid of your sadness, or your irritation, or your misery, or your happiness, or your anything.
I want to see you happy. I like to see you happy. I wish the whole world could be happy. But adversity forms character and sadness balances the happiness.
I would be ecstatic if you could be as happy as you can manage to be enraged. Why do people allow themselves to lose stability, let their anger out and blow forth with anger and irritation like a tidal wave crashing the shore? Because it is good and healthy and keeps the anger from o’ertaking all your thoughts. It allows you to regain your stability, become free of the onslaught of emotions that you aren’t certain what to do with. Happiness seems more smoothed, like gentle waves lapping at the shore. The waves can be of different sizes, but they are less violent, less immediate. I wish you could be as happy as you can be angry.
That kind of happiness takes a special knowledge that you are consigning certain things to some nebulous ‘later’ and living in that exact moment. But simply giving things up til ‘later’ doesn’t seem to be the same thing that I am wishing on you.
I’m never going to explain it, I think. It is akin to me holding certain thoughts and attitudes in reserve and believing in reality which comes off as cynicism but still believing in people, mostly.
You believe in happiness, mostly … but I have never seen you be more than mostly happy.
I thought, perhaps, that I could someday see you be truly, ecstatically happy … happy without your normal boundaries, but I am not sure that it will be something that I can manage to be around for …
I hope, beyond hope, beyond thought, beyond prayer or wishes or a genie popping out of a bottle and granting all, I hope, someday, that you can crash into happiness. Imagine the sheer joy and love and release you could find, to be THAT happy.
It would be spectacular.